Why I cry. What I fear.

Everything I can be afraid of came close today.

I am not scared of decisions, bad choices, failure, poverty ...or death.

I fear losing the will to live.

Today is a sad day. Today someone close to me that was full of light and energy is gone. He is not gone in a way I grew up thinking he will. He is gone too early because he gave up and didn’t want to take another chance.

The pain is real and my heart aches badly. Why give up?

I know things can be harder sometimes but please, to anyone out there thinking they are trapped… Life is not one way, one road or one model! Anyone should remember that they can:

·                  Change their mind from a first choice

·                  Leave if not happy

·                  Try a different road if they need to

If they are not having the courage, seek for strong people, mentors or those that love you unconditionally to get strength from and dare do it.

I had to get this out of my chest.

Today, is a sad day.

Tomorrow, I will not forget. There will be pain still but will have to Live and Live Happy. We all should.

Love u Ammou.

 

 People will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

Zora

Break Your Walls. Change.

There are days, you know it. You feel it. There will be a transition. Change.
Days you feel it in your guts, something broke and you will see things differently.
This moment you know, as you don't even have to explain it to yourself, you feel it all inside you.

I am having these types of days today.

I thought I am happy. I don't know for you but If I feel good and I feel happy it means that my world, my bubble, are alright.

But here I am. Tired, been working my ass off all week 12h/day, had to cancel my evening plans, too tired to workout and I can feel ONE thing inside: I am doing it wrong.

The challenge with our own selves is that... we don't have much clarity on our own and when we just stay busy. We remain content until something hits us.
Nothing did hit me though but had many signs last days that are now as loud as a big shake.
That sad feeling, you know. That sad feeling sitting in the dark and my own small voice inside telling me "Get out of here".

I can say it's 2020! Yeah still 2020, right?! That's a long year. For once we can't say "I didn't feel the year pass by”!
Well, I can’t say 2020 as what aches inside are things we know we can act on.

What Am I supposed to do?

Trainings and books will be like: Do an assessment, know you, live proactively, accept you, get organized…!

Get organized. I got so tangled on this “get organized” that I am sure now I am not a put it all in boxes type of person. This killed my passions. I missed long nights to write my heart out or to try to learn how to draw lines together, do sweet mistakes or read a novel that touches my soul…

However, what I am sure of is that I need to stop willing to do it all at the same time. I might have to put back things I shouldn’t pick to start with or drop what is not making me happy.

Life should be simple; I will pack my stuff and move back to my life. The one where I have fun.
We can’t be all in boxes. We need adventure, Nonsense decisions and mainly action.
But of course, I will take a planner with me to 2021. You design what’s in it anyway. You set your priorities.

 

 “All great changes are preceded by chaos.” – Deepak Chopra

 

Zora

We need to talk this 2020

 

2020. What a punch on the guts.

If you think you have control on your life and know yourself enough, then this year just made shifts we never saw coming.
I will not talk conspiracy or crazy things; this is no movie. Life is enough fiction itself.

This week, I have surprised myself looking for Webinars in my professional mailbox and googling online events around the world. Is that what they call the new normal everywhere in internet article and news?
That sounds cool right?
Before my main challenge would had been finding events in my own city. 
Now?! It's mainly ensuring that the time zone will play ok.

However. Let's be honest. I need an organized world around me and this pandemic, Covid, Trump type of world is too wild!

We had a 3-month lockdown in my country, meaning 3 months home when you never been home only if to sleep or to catch on late work. I was not even at my place this whole period and i na different city. And adapting to all of it was hard.

I am lucky to work for one of the greatest companies in the world, and work been crazy this year.
How to know what boundaries you need to set when you and everyone lost all landmarks.

With all changes and uncertainties, I discovered what is called Anxiety.

 If you wake up with your heart racing for no reason, here is a hint for you, you are most likely Anxious.
Many of the people I know had suffered the same, as yes, again, this 2020 is hard.

You might be lucky none of your closed had to experience covid-19 in the middle of the chaos, and lucky for not losing your job like so many and be in a place where you have a garden or space and can breath.. But still you have your challenges of your own and develop Anxiety.

The only think I can advise and that helped make it just a Phase is that you have to seek help.
Mainly someone that will remind you to look at the big picture and help you reshape your world one step at the time.

None of us was ready for this 2020 and if you want a happy life you have nothing to prove only do what makes you happy.

Whatever it is you just need to:

o   Go for a walk and promenades
o   Call a friend and talk and meet with new people
o   Give time and offer help… Yes, you need to see outside yourself
o   Read books and novels or whatever that your spirit is curious about
o   Draw, garden, play, workout.
o   Learn new things
o   And for a racing heart. Breath. Breath a 4.7.8 or just feel yourself breathe.

We are in it all together and no one has it all figured out.
Take care of yourselves and loved ones.
3 months to go 2020!

“ The purpose of our lives is to be happy.” — Dalai Lama.

Zora

An Angel Passed By

Ok people. How are you kicking 2018? How was 2017?

I didn't pass by here since summer and I missed it.

I mainly post on Instagram those days. I become like those lazy bloggers, vloggers and instagrammers; I count on the images and emoticons to share. I like it seriously. It’s easy and most of it you interact with people directly.

Here? Here is to keep. With open heart. Sharing mistakes, learnings and deep emotions mostly.

So.. Once again... Bouda this is because of you :)

I enjoyed 2017 - seriously - it was terribly tough. I was in those so many "what the fuck is this shit" kind of moments. 

The toughness can be pictured trough the previous post.

Let me go back to the main moments/Emotions;

First half year;

I have learnt to run. Yeah yeah yeah I know, almost cliché. But I don’t care, people: I run!

My first 10K was in 1h25. I was extremely slow (i am not a bullet now neither but I improve).

During the year I’ve got muscles, joins, legs hurting. You discover that you thought you were healthy, strong and taking care of yourself... and you end up p learning that it’s a lifestyle. bla bla bla. I heard that so many times too but I had to experience it to understand. It does not sit on 1 sugar less on your morning coffee or choosing one day the croissant instead of Pain chocolate…Now, I prefer sleeping to going out! (No it has nothing to do with age!)

When we were in spring well I was facing some aggressiveness i didn't understood.

What i learnt from that is that not because you faced the shit once that you will have a peace time to rest...

Life is full of greatness but also shit... and man, you should manage the mess it can become.

I was too tired so … I jumped as I could to Holidays!

Holidays, I saw something else.

I was on the streets laughing and smiling… I was happy.

I was surrounded by good, clean, clear people that don’t know me and that says “Hiii” without checking me, that mind their own businesses.

I surfed in Cali, I did rollercoasters over and over, I walked under the sun happily for hours, I met the little old man, I got lost not sure how to get back and I ate things I could have seen only on social media.

10 days where I breathed and could gather beauty of the life with me when back.

This moment between the mess and the peace I also met an angel.

Life since there is just beautiful;

Tough and beautiful

Pushy and worth it

Disappointing and meaningful

Tiring sometimes and manageable

I still don’t get it and enjoying every moment of it.

So how was the second half of 2017?

It was like I would like my life to be.

An angel passed by.

I learnt that nothing is impossible.

So people. Get the shit done. Live the life you want. Don’t let angels leave. Take care of your heart. Take care of the people you love (as much as you can or know). Save you.

Have a 2018 as greater as you want.

Zora

It's Ok if all is not Ok

Have you ever been bullied?

Everyone has; But people react to it differently.

I don't know about you but I have been bullied when being adult.

I might have been targeted younger but I don't think I cared. You end up getting along with most people.
I know that this is a strong word - but let's not call "pushing": "teasing"; "pressure": "challenge" or "accusing": "oups".

But as an adult, being able to notice the bad intention, and the ruthlessness can be damaging.

I like saying "I don't care if you put your nose in my business" or just don't care about you working hard to put me on my knees.

However, the bullies that not leave you alone are the one that can push you and affect you daily. Whether in an intimate relationship or at work. When it's almost every day.

However, in some cases you can find yourself on non-ending pressures and sometimes you have to deal with people that are insecure or bored or sad in their life that will manage to make you miserable.

Bullies are good, they manage to have sponsors and people agreeing with them that comfort them with their actions.

You can ask yourself, from where are they able to have the energy on so much hate. But seriously, is it that important?!

From another side, I am surrounded by strong people, and I thank them, they are able to not be emotionally involved and gives this instinct step back. They are a Rock. You know not like in the movie "Legend d autumn" the rock you crush on but the rock that can shelter you from the wind of bullies.

Yep you are reading it right, Bullies are like wind, they end up disappearing.

A friend told me, why you are given them a chance to reach you, and the fact is, I am tired.

And it's ok to be tired and not be able to fight back for a while.
I stopped.

What we should not forget is when they go, you need to be remain stable as the rock you were.

I don't have a plan now for others, what worst will happen? Be kicked from somewhere or having a small group of people bunching air, be fired, have some people using time and energy talking on what they think I said or did .

But I do have a plan for me.

One of the most courageous woman lead I had told me once "At a moment you see that you can't take it, don’t change your life. Take vacations"

So yes the first plan for myself is first to rest. Take the chance to center my thoughts and be surrounded by the people of my heart and meet new balanced people. Holidays. I didn't had real ones since... I don't know ... ages.

Then when back, Have s*** done!

Zora

What to carry on this 2017

I took 2 days off this end year as seriously I am tired and it’s the good time to gather all the benefits of 2016 toward 2017.

The traditional end of year article might be different this time; Not a list or a recap but just opening my mind. .. Not the heart as this one I will keep it in a safe place for a while.

This year was more about learning who I am. I was humanly challenged. I never cared before but this year I had to face it as I helped on so many messes in my life those last 3 years. The good side is I am always having crazy stories to share during a diner..

First learning: I overthink. Seriously it's not good. Because at the same time I keep it for myself. So second a lot of thing are happening in my head. What leads to the third thing... I share ideas in disorder so people in front of me don't get me. Finaly I am not having this patience to explain when it's seriously that obvious (for me).

This leads also to have people disappointed when they discover that I tried to link the dots and have a certain analyse over situations I am not even supposed to care about. This is terrible as it's only when you let things go that you're surprised by good experiences.

So yes 2017 is about to let things go. As I am not even good at being anxious.

2016 I thought I need to renewal everything but more months passed more it was old habits or old friends that made me feel good. Maybe because first they know how to assemble what I was sharing with them and also happiness is not related to extraordinary things but simplicity ( a run, a good lunch, etc)

I already met extraordinary people. I need to learn how to take care of them.

Oh also I have learned that some people around were also gossiping about my life and on things I never did but they believed it's my truth. It hurts because I was close to someone that tried to force me change while well I can't change people's mind. I decided that this none of my business. And carried on. I have no time for that.

Finally I don't overwork but sometimes to forget what I can't control I need to focus on something that when you work it it give results and it calms me over all what does not depend on me. What seems to be all the other areas of my life.. just kidding... I know that we are the only influence of our own lives but sometimes I drop it.

So 2016 was a good year. Not an easy one but a year where I learnt that 2017 I need to carry-on, Don't bother, Let things go, Switch off sometimes, Take good risks and just be happy. Also, take care of people that are already around and adapt sometimes.

Happy new year everyone. Take care of the people close to your heart and take care of yourselves. Everything will be ok. It always is.

RIP GM

Zora

One week of good things

One week of good things is not a week in a Spa or travelling or whatever pleases every one.

The idea is to mention a daily good thing that happened as we DO forget those and we can easily get invaded by the duties, bullies, bad news, etc.

So I decided to report everyday what was good that day and here is it:

DAY1: Thursday

HUGE traffic jam.... Feeling so lonely in my petite car surrounded by those other hundreds cars... my phone battery is dying ... This car is in my line again! .... Man I am hungry........"Ok Google”.... "Aller à la maison" (“Go Home”... My Googles understands only French)...Oh can't turn where they told me as no one is letting me... euh well, let's do it again ... ""Ok google let's go home" ... "you'll be there in 9 min"...  oh well Mme Google you don't know the crazy traffic in Casa at 6pm ....  But after 9min voilà, I was in front of home.

I liked it because I was so desperate for 1h and Google just told me where to go –even if it was my everyday ride- and twice without having Mme Google complaining.

DAY2 - Friday

I unfollowed Sananas - I followed her first place as Moroccan and found it courageous to have that YouTube channel. However it started to be commercial, fake and too $$$ centered. I don't want any fictional character deception. I unfollowed many channels that night, all those that were too shiny too bio too loud too far from my reality.

DAY3 - Saturday

I unplugged. I have kept my phone in a Plane Mode since Friday after work.

No online games, no notifications, no unwanted popups. Only music, to-do-list and watch (because it's not an into the wild experience you know.) 

Close family could call me on my land phone (like the early 90s), also laptop is on.

I have mainly prepared my food, watched a movie and slept.

Early wake up that Saturday as I was relaxed and not that detached from the world as you might think.

In fact there was no rush when taking a coffee with a friend or during lunch with parents.... you're not seeking your phone for next activity but doing what you are doing.

Day4 - Sunday

I cooked. But cooked for my week and didn't buy extra chocolate I still have enough bad calories hidden in the cupboard. Proud of myself for that.

Day5 - Monday

I hate Mondays. So what I did is that I took a break with everyone that asked so. I said hi to everyone and I just listened. I let it go in a relax mode at work. It's important as I am not a fan of weather talks or discussions during working hours but with good breaks I was most efficient when at my desk.

DAY6 - Tuesday

I was going to say a no stress day in a row. However that day I was reached by an old friend to chat and spontaneously this person told me all the good things she was thinking about me, the real part was that my imperfections are not that bad just human. I was surprised, I just responded a "oh - ok". But seriously I was quite tired of all the shitty things people I don't know imagine my life or myself are. So good when people you know for years just jump to tell you why you are in their life for years.

Day7 - Wednesday

I dated myself. November has always been the month with most important changes in my life. Job changes, Relationships important decisions, health callouts…

So this year no decisions will be taken in this month. I am single and happily in couple with life and will keep an open mind but closed door. If someone can open it welcome but I am running nowhere, having enough things in my hands right now.

Today I understand all the people that were saying... I wake up and write positive things or bullshit I want and it feels good. .. Because at no moment this week I questioned my life. Is it what they call leaving the moment?

We are having a long weekend, Friday is a day off. So family I am coming. Close people to my heart first. I am no perfect but they make me be better every day. I gave so much energy those months, and not necessarily to the right people, that I need to balance. I have to balance.

You know when they say if you need to make an important decision think what your mom, dad, grandma will say to you. Well if you have the chance to still have them in your life just be with them. They are a good you need.

Life comes from physical survival; but the good life comes from what we care about. Rollo May

Zora

We don't need human torches to save lives

First of all I wasn't coming back that fast as I have so many things in mind that I was not sure where to start. Then Soufiane told me that it's time to write something new. And here I am. I needed just no reason in fact. Well poeple this summer is really crazy... Summer as it’s maybe November but it's a real burning sun I am feeling in my arms and legs in that coffee terrace. .. Ok, don’t imagine something fancy as I am just waiting for the guys to finish washing my too dirty car.

So! How are you people? Enjoying life? Avoiding crappy and crippy situations?

If you're like me and you don't look for them but it often slaps you ...It's ok. It’s just life you know.

Those days I am working to learn how not to burn myself to keep other people warm. Because it just has not to be ... hurting... This is for either personal or professional lives.

Yes I am learning also to separate those two.

One thing that is always good to remember, is that you're not mistaken because someone is telling you that you are (except if really you are, like really really). I faced deep incomprehension those days and had this hard times willing to save the world ... i am no savior. And seriously none of us wants to be saved, people need to be heroes of their lives... The main difficulty is be hero but let other be their own heroes. And for that it should not go through lowering others but mainly saying “thank you”, “I don't get it”, “I understand”, rather than “you owe me”, “you you suck” or “look how I do things” and this kind of $*#&. Oh yeah, you can’t proclaim yourself a hero, it’s others that sees you that way … just in case… you know…

Also we are not required to be other people to suit someone. It's so obvious but good to say that again.

I am saying it more in the way if you’re doing it than just … stop. Support people they will give you the world, recognize their good actions and discuss if anything seems wrong and they will be the good people you want them to be. But no judging, you will just lose them.

In life, people surrounding you should be the people that excuse your faults, that doesn’t not even call them faults, laugh with you about them and tells you how they feel without treating you less than a person.

Seriously, life happens, let’s just live things as they should be. They are no defenders, no wrongdoer, no competition in life. People should just come together and it will be so relieving in our lives.

In fact I am just over stressed out people.

Don't judge me or anyone you're into cause this remove their wings. I decided that if people want to hold me or block me I will just go and leave. If they want come back, they are welcome, I don’t manage the right and wrong of the universe. Nobody does.

“Cover me with a wire. I cover you with a wall” - Moroccan quote

Zora

Lying on the sofa

One day you will meet the perfect person, but you've been so broken that you might miss the most important life shot you can have.

Not sure if I was really seeing how life could broke some parts of me. Mistaken that life will bring a savior. But this person is no savior this person is in your life to complete you.

I met someone so secure, so sure about what he wants in life and that is not afraid of being real.

Everything if you are me you can admire.

I passed my time seeing how passionate the other person can be or how much lucky I am to be sharing his life.

But at the same time just standing there and watching - Maybe waiting for an approval or acceptance. I am not sure. But seeing that flashback at this moment seems so lame.

Worst of it is that I was not seeing it that way. Not seeing myself just standing as in my heart/head is was going faster.

It's so disappointing when you're the one not able to link the dots; Not able to put on the table what you want. I am losing my sleep here.

Is it other people duty to unlock us?

Seriously using the word "duty" as the response can be both yes, no or none. We need kin, close friends and partners to give the slaps we might need sometimes. We need them for the tenderness and softness we need all the other times. 

Some people passing by can lock our hearts and we don’t ask for it.

Some people come by and unlock us and those should be cherished.

And the tricky part is that no one is engaged in that duty as it should not be a duty but a life sharing.

I know that I don't want to miss it.

It's not because of all experiences of life I had or because I know or any other bullshit... But because this person forced me to face myself and remembers the real and complete person I was too. And this means the world.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open. John Barrymore

Zora

When you talk about it - You embrace it

Either at work or in your personal life, talking makes you want to embrace what you are saying. 

Many times people complain about the obligation to attend meetings.  When in fact the aim is to make them assist and participate in order to have them more involved and productive to achieve their company’s goals.

It's almost the same for the personal life.
When you are not feeling ok or when you are trying to isolate, your relatives and beloved ones try to get you out to meet and discuss with others. To impregnate yourself with new ideas and getting you engaging yourself with things you maybe always wanted to do and be. Because if it’s only you facing your reflection, you can understand your own excuses and put on hold your own dreams.

Of course it depends on who are those others people. Because it's good to meet with others … not the negative people ... but those who are inspiring and having positive impacts.

In the real world (meaning the personal and not work life), People are not govern by rules processes or the necessity to behave and so you should know who you should be with.

We all got that friend or read that article saying that we should surround ourselves with positive thoughts or have plans for our lives or think well to not make any mistakes... but until now I know no-one that didn't fall for himself before standing for his wills. This is ok. For me being human is being able to say.: oh wow now I am getting what they tried to teach me!

I had a close friend that told me once that there are no patterns in life and that there are no designed road to follow.. Every single life must be different.... and now I get it. Because at the time, I was busy struggling on what I thought my life should be and I just heard him without really guetting it.

What I am trying to say is that what makes us go thought years of work is getting involved and chasing numbers or chasing promotions, discussing the goals, etc.
For life it's quite different as you should be setting your own rules, needs, and the path you want your life to be. Also making time for it.

Either if it’s a six-pack, a trip around the world or extra studies, to get engaged for yourself you should engage in front of others. And by others I mean the close ones and if you can’t rely on the actual ones, then you can use coaches or mentors to encourage your dreams.

Good Luck to us.

 “If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”― Albert Einstein

ZoRa

2015 - Retrospective

2016 - Are you ready for the trip?

2015 – Dieu merci que cette année est finie car sérieusement et jusqu’au dernier moment j'avais l'impression qu'elle voulait ma peau.

Je ne parle pas des chutes ratées les derniers jours ou le dos bloqué incapable de bouger.

Mais il est vrai que le voile qui me couvrait ou couvrait plusieurs personnes de mon cœur se dissipait comme cette année s'achevait.

Faire une rétrospective aurait été simple si j’avais remplis les 11 choses de ma bucket list d'il y a un an. Cependant je n’en ai fait réellement que 2... Partiellement presque toute.

Cette année j'ai appris beaucoup de choses et vécus plusieurs situations que je n’aurais jamais planifiées, prévu ou même imaginé.

Si 2015 était la table à laquelle j'étais assise, j'ai eu de bonne choses qui y ont été servies et mieux que ce qui était prévu au menu. Puis parfois il est vrai que j'ai vu des personnes y déposer des choses qu'eux même ne voulaient pas et les laisser là.

Il ne faut pas gérer les problèmes des autres si eux-mêmes ne veulent pas les gérer.

Buter contre un mur ne signifie pas qu'on a eu tort de se mettre là mais on aurait tort de ne pas débarrassée sa table et ranger ce qui doit l'être.

Donc la rétrospective de cette année n'est ni ce que j’avais prévu ni un menu mais des choses que j'ai apprécié:

• J’ai testé 1 semaine sans Facebook. C'est quoi une semaine me direz-vous ?! Croyez-moi, ne pas avoir pu raconter la nième fois où je me suis faite arrêté par un policier (sans raison je le jure J), mettre ce qui me passe par la tête ou raconté quand je suis bloquée dans un embouteillage dans la ville des embouteillages ; Je fais partis des gens qui ont ce reflexe. Mais cette semaine-là, j'avais parlé à de vrais personnes par leur profile. 
• J'ai voulu testé le réveil à 5am pendant 2 semaines. Verdict, Je me réveille plutôt d'une heure que d'habitude, je ne vis plus le stress des embouteillages, je petit déjeune sans courir (ou conduire)... Mais une chose est sure, peu de boulangeries sont ouvertes à 6am et conduire la tête dans le brouillard n'est pas une bonne idée.
• J'ai mis les pieds aux USA. Grace a un évènement familiale et donc voyage familiale. Ce que je n'ai pas fait depuis quelques années mais une chose est sure : ça ressource. Aussi c’est à refaire et vite. J'ai été choquée par les individus, rien à voir avec l'Europe. People talk with you. 
• J'ai voulu vendre mes vieux meubles. Mes nouveaux contacts téléphone sont : « le gars qui veut la chaise » « La dame sui veut le matelas » « le gars de rabat qui veut la figurine »…
• J'ai essayé le surf, je pense à m'y mettre (merci boss). moi qui me pensais en bonne forme! ... Pendant une semaine je n'arrivais pas à lever les bras plu haut que ma tête.
• J'ai repris la danse et le sport... Plus sérieusement. Merci à la semaine après le surf.
• Je suis revenue ici. 
• J'ai compris que des fois quand une porte se ferme, il faut juste penser à la verrouiller.
• Lord of the rings est un super jeu... Il a détrôné Diabolo à mes yeux mais rien ne remplace Splinter Cell. (je ne suis pas une gameuse donc don't judge)
• Je manque de soleil ... Oui les weekends plage c'est sacré mais je les ai raté cette année. On dit qu'une carence de vitamine D entraine la dépression et des trucs... sachez qu'au Maroc avec le soleil il n y a pas de complément alimentaire de vitamine D car le soleil est gratuit…
• J'ai appris à sortir avec moi-même, non par obligation (comme manger), mais pour me poser. 
• J’ai récupéré mes sauvegardes de photos et ça m’a fait bizarre.
• Mes il y a 4 ans and so ont été  mon présent et certes j'ai laissé une porte s’ouvrir et j'ai compris qu’une autre devait rester fermée. Sans regrets. Jamais.

Cette année m’a appris que la prochaine sera meilleure et ça commence maintenant.

Alors si je dois avoir des résolutions pour 2016 c'est probablement faire ce que je veux faire.

Zora